dearest santa,

Thank you for the great gifts so far this year. I'm a particular fan of the husband, as he doesn't let me take out the trash and shines my shoes for work.

Far be it from me to be greedy, but could I possibly request two months (more if you feel like it) without getting sick? Please?

tis a gift to have awesome gift-giving-ness, part II

Who doesn't want a Flowbee?!



This testimonial says it all, in a tone of voice that bespeaks a group therapy participant:

"Hi Guys,

Well, here I am. [...] I have used the Flowbee for years. Worn out one, started using the one I got for my dogs and now, it's about ready for the bone yard. People got a kick (they still do) when I told them how I got my great haircut. I just smile and say "whatever, it works". Dud! My sis-in-law laughed the loudest until she called one day and begged me to cut her hair for her. She ordered one and now cuts the whole family's hair. I am a Flight Attendant for American Airlines (39 yrs.) and I even have passengers ask where I got my hair cut. Needless to say, their mouths drop open when I tell them "I cut it myself" then of course, I tell them how. My Flowbee and vacuum cleaner. What a gas. I have seen the Flowbee at Wal-Mart on occasion. Are they sold anywhere but mail order? My first one cost 99.95. Ordered it off TV late one night. I can't say enough great things about it. Keep up the good work and don't stop making them, please. Meanwhile, I'm going to need one. Almost out of oil too. Appreciate a reply at your convince."

apparently this is my...future?

Direct quote from tonight's fortune cookie: "I spent the time prepare the song, while the song is not being sung." [sic] [I promise]

Apart from the usual complaint that it's not even a fortune, this one is not even addressing the reader. And obvious typo-age aside, it's as though this fortune is the friend that asks you how you're doing then proceeds to ignore you as he/she unloads a great deal of rather depressing information you didn't indicate you wanted to hear. And no matter what you do to try to change to conversation or cheer them up, they're going to go on lamenting their sorrows. In a wistful voice. Can't you hear the wistfulness?

You can't even use the old "in bed" trick to save this one; it only makes the statement more nonsensical, and not in a funny way. I feel bad should someone get this while dining out with a large group of friends. Everyone goes around the table, sharing their fortunes and laughing and oohing and shouting "In bed!" in unison, and then it comes to you. And you read yours. Without having read it beforehand. And no one reacts at first - everything is silent Then the guy at the other end of the table, clearly lost in thought, goes, "Huh." And suddenly everyone is inexplicably sad, and it's your fault. And it doesn't matter that when you flip over the paper the other side teaches you the Chinese word for "noodle", 'cause no one cares now.

In a barely similar vein, I never have any intention of eating frog, but this article from Chichi Wang's column The Nasty Bits was riveting. The column centers around the use of offal and other unusual meats in Asian cooking, so it's fun to get at least a basic understanding of these less common foodstuffs. Dream!